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According to a new theory.Around the turn of the 20th Century, the psychologists William James and Karl Lange proposed that emotions are nothing other than perceptions of bodily states.According to the James-Lange theory, we do not tremble because we are scared, but rather we are scared because we tremble.

“This theory does not, however, consider the cognitive content of many emotions”, Prof. Dr. Albert Newen of the Institute of Philosophy II at the Ruhr-Universitat Bochum said.If a student is anxious about an exam, then he is experiencing this anxiety because he thinks, for example, that the exam is important and that he will have a blackout.The so-called “cognitive theory of emotions” therefore says that emotions are essentially an assessment of the situation based on reason: this dog is dangerous because he is baring his teeth.Newen said that this theory is also unsatisfactory because it forgets the feelings as a central component of the emotion. A person can realistically judge that a dog is dangerous and at the same time have no fear because he is an expert in handling dangerous dogs. So the cognitive assessment does not necessarily determine the emotion.

Bochum’s philosophers call their new model the “integrative embodiment theory of emotions.”The emotional level is – as postulated by William James – the central starting point.An emotion only comes into existence, however, when the perception of bodily states is integrated with other aspects.The brain has to combine at least two components here: the perception of our own bodily states in a given situation, for example trembling, and the intentional object, such as the dog, which triggers the fear. Moreover, in “cognitive” emotions, typical thought content can also play a role, for example, with regard to a bull terrier: “bull terriers are particularly strong and dangerous.”The result is a separate kind of mental state, namely an emotion that we conceive as a complex pattern of distinctive characteristics. Source- Hindustan Times Learn more »

A new study finds that absence may truly make the heart grow fonder and that couples who live apart have more meaningful interactions and stronger bonds than those who see each other every day.

In a new study, couples in long distance relationships maintained over phone calls, texting, emailing and video chat were also more likely to idealize their partner's behaviors, leading to a greater sense of intimacy.

Researchers from the City University of Hong Kong and Cornell University recruited 63 heterosexual couples -- roughly half of whom said they were in long distance relationships -- about their typical communication.

On average, subjects were just under 21 years old, had been in their relationships for nearly two years and had been living apart for 17 months. Over the course of a week, they reported to what extent they shared about themselves and how they experienced intimacy, and to what extent their partners did the same thing. Findings showed that the long distance couples disclosed themselves more and felt a closer bond.

"Indeed, our culture emphasizes being together physically and frequent face-to-face contact for close relationships, but long-distance relationships clearly stand against all these values," said coauthor Crystal Jiang. "People don't have to be so pessimistic about long-distance romance."

"The long-distance couples try harder than geographically close couples in communicating affection and intimacy, and their efforts do pay back."

The findings, announced Thursday, appear online in the Journal of Communication. Source-Hindustan Times Learn more »

If you’ve ever experienced a man who doesn’t know how to be a generous lover and don’t know how to explain to him what it’s like for a woman in ways that he can understand, you can direct him to this guide.

Woman seem to intuitively know what kind of man will be a generous lover. It’s in the way he moves, the way he speaks and particularly his ability to connect by looking deep into her eyes.

But when it comes to actual technique the best lovers are the best kissers and the ones who know how to use their mouth in all the ways that please a woman (particularly in how they communicate with her during sex).

I’ve been told that most men don’t know how to give great oral pleasure to a woman. They’re too rough, too gentle, can’t sense the rhythm or pressure she enjoys or find it and then change to something else too quickly.

It’s because a guy assumes that a woman wants what he wants the way he wants it and tries to please her the way he likes to be pleased. She’s not, so let me explain it in terms men will understand.

When it comes to oral pleasure, men tend to come in five types:

1. The Avoider – he’s simply not interested, either because he’s not a generous lover or because he had some kind of traumatic oral experience in his past.

2. The Eager Beaver – he dives in like oral IS the foreplay because he doesn’t realize how personal this is to a woman. Once he starts he either ignores her signals because he’s so excited that he’s face to face with Nirvana or too boyish in his need for reassurance that what he’s doing is working for her.

3. Mr. Rough & Ready – he’s a score keeper that figures if he’s going to get some he’d better give some. He begins with her breasts for two minutes then moves down to mechanically go about his duty for another two minutes with all the finesse of a lumbering elephant before determining she’s ready for the main event.

4. The Human Pleasure Toy – this man is an expert when it comes to technique. He can expertly and deftly bring her to climax and prides himself on being such an expert when it comes to giving a woman an orgasm, but it’s a big performance with little intimate connection.

5. The Evolved Lover – this man sees more than just the sexuality of his partner, he sees her soul. His connection to her goes beyond just touching different aspects of her body and he understands that for her sex is an intimate connection of mind, body and energy. His focus is his woman, not her orgasm.

RULES TO GREAT ORAL (9 Parts Trust, 1 Part Technique)

This can’t simply be a technique instruction manual, because really that’s not the most important part. If you can’t relax your woman there’s no way she’s going to be able to enjoy herself anyway. I’ll begin with explaining how to create a space of trust and THEN I’ll get into the specifics of technique.

1. You don’t just dive in and devour her. Women as a rule have insecurities. She has no idea how you’re going to react to the way she looks, the way she tastes and smells, the way she sounds, the way parts of her body jiggle and no clue how good you’re going to be at following her signals.

Forplay does NOT begin with you jamming your fingers past the seams of her bra or underwear, it begins with the sense of trust and security you create for her in the conversation, kissing and cuddling leading up to this.

A woman wants to be seen for the unique individual she is and believe that you see her as special, care about what she thinks and how she feels. This means that before you kiss her you need to have heard and understood her. If she can’t trust you with her mind, then why would she ever trust you with something even more intimate like her body?

Women are the opposite of men when it comes to sex. For men, the most intimate act is to open our heart to you. For women, the most intimate act is to open your body to us. Because we all tend to assume that others are like us we apply the Golden Rule and we do to you exactly what we’d like to be done to us.

Men see the path to intimacy through sex where as women see the path to sex through intimacy. I think we’re designed this way to create a greater likelyhood that we’ll have sex and bond with a partner who has worked hard to ensure it’s a good match, but it does seem to be a big obstacle in the meeting of the minds for the sexes.

There is a look in a woman’s eyes that tell you when she wants to be kissed, when she wants to be touched and when she wants to be seen naked by you. The only way you’re ever going to figure this out is by looking into them.

This is why doing it drunk in the dark is so immature. If you’re not confident enough that you can create a space safe enough for her sober in at least candle light you haven’t

earned the right to hold the safety and security of her self-image.

When you talk to her you need to be reading her eyes for signs of interest and connection. When you joke or tease her you need to watch her eyes and body language for signs of receptiveness. When you kiss you need to take a break and have the courage to look at her and feel the experience from her side.

2. USE YOUR MOUTH

Once she feels seen you’re going to have to let her know what it is about her that makes her so desireable to you. This involves the most important way you’re going to use your mouth…TALK to her!

Because men can be disconnected emotionally from the act of sexuality, they perceive woman to be the same. They don’t recognize how intimate the act is for her and are rediculously unaware of the insecurities she has about her body.

Your job is to let her know all of the things that you think are so incredibly delicious about her and murmur them out loud as you’re getting to know her body:

-The way you love how some part of her looks

-The texture of her skin, the way her hair feels

-The smell of her scent or perfume

-The taste of her lips

-The curve of her hips and breasts

There are things about her body that someone has made her feel uncomfortable at some point. In her mind she feels those parts of her will never be acceptable. This is where you get to be a hero if you’re man enough to recognize it.

As an Evolved man, you explain to her the way YOU see her differently than the immature lovers of her past. You let her know why a man would appreciate her thick thighs, her wide hips, her smallish breasts or whatever she is self conscious about.

You don’t have to figure out a whole bunch of things to say to her, but you do need to take your time and show that you appreciate the parts of her body that appear to be different from the women of Sports Illustrated and as things proceed that it’s ok for her to not possess the anatomy of porn stars.

(An aside to women, YES there are men who truly appreciate and even prefer your body type over that of a Barbie Doll. They’re more rare than the ones who do maybe, but then so are you.)

3. UNDRESS HER WITH YOUR EYES

A woman doesn’t want to tell a man when she’s ready for him, she wants a man she can trust to read her signs. So you need to look into her eyes and be telling her what you are loving about her and what you’re planning to do next.

The bedroom is the place where she expects YOU to lead with what’s being said and I don’t mean, “Do you like this?”, “How about this?” or “What else do you like?” She want’s to hear everything you love about her and for you to tell her what you want to do to her next a while before you actually go do it. This gives her the chance to let you know with her eyes if that’s what she would enjoy.

The paradox is that women are far more sexual than men, but they must be more reserved in their expression of it. This is why looking into her eyes and taking her in visually and commenting on what you like is so important. She needs to be reassured that not only is she sexually appealing to you, but that you welcome her sexuality rather than judge her for it.

4. PAY ATTENTION TO EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS

I’m going to let a woman describe this next part because frankly, I can’t tell you what feels good to her. The following is from a post I came across on Tumbler. It’s the best description I’ve ever read on the subject.

The key is being able to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.

Think of oral as your way of saying, “although I am about to rock your insides with 3 000 lbs. of explosives, here’s a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel.”

Instead of screaming “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what sex should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ooohmygodohmygod-ohmygod.”

BE DOWN!!

Don’t go down unless you’re down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don’t want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Love it or leave it alone.

DON’T SAY “HI” TO DRY

A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all that’s needed to get the honey dripping.

Once you’re sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. There’s nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she’s really begging for it before you get under the covers.

Important: Don’t play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that most of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

SUBMARINE MISSION

Once she’s lathered up, it’s time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and don’t touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like you’re going away on vacation.

Though it’s very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like a little mole-man, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.

Start by kissing her breasts and stomach and slowly working your way down. Don’t get carried away, though. That’s something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now it’s all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop.

Nibble your way right up to the edge, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run. 

When you’re just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Don’t spend too long there or she might start to think that you think that’s it.

By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If you’re doing it right, she’ll be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like she’s been holding her breath for three days.

Extra trick: Hover over for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think you’re having second thoughts because it smells bad.

Important: Never bite in any way whatsoever!

THE GRAND ENTRANCE

One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.

Do your first lick super slow. It’s good to groan and moan too. It shows you’re digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just at the very bottom and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these “St. Bernard licks” before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick).

This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If it’s real sensitive she’ll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you’re probably in for an easy ride. If there’s no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you’re in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.

ROCK THE BOAT

Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a wuss. If you’re getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little button who’s boss. After all, Ms. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. She’s surrounded by labia and, even after you find her, all the pressure can pop her over to the side.

Once your tongue finds it use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention right there. Give it a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you.

Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down.

IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE

After the slow licks it’s time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that don’t.

Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn’t really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and “Oh my God” means bring it on.

CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER

These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the one who killed your partner. Separate it out from the lips and suck it right up into your mouth.

Keep it erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat it like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like it’s too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks.

The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but it’s a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking. As you’re closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give it relentless tongue smacking.

Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive.

Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.

Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.

Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multi-orgasmic you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep givin’ ‘er until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

CLITS THAT DON’T

Some clits don’t want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple.

If you’re getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal…

THE CONCLUSION

Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet.

Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate.

You now have the task of satisfying her again, but this time you’re going to do it the way you’ve been waiting for and by now she’ll be desperate to have you inside her.

Source- Whatevolvedwomenwantblog Learn more »

A growing number of people claim to suffer from “Sexsomnia”, a type of sleeping disorder where sufferers have sex while they sleep, a new study has claimed.

'Sexsomnia': more people suffering from 'sex while sleeping disorder', study claims

Experts say such sexual behaviour that occurred while sleeping can range from masturbation through to physical intercourse.

Canadian researchers found almost one in 12 people had admitted engaging or initiating some sort of sexual activity while they slept.

Men accounted for three-quarters of the self-reported "sexsomniacs", they found.

Experts say such sexual behaviour that occurred while sleeping can range from masturbation through to physical intercourse.

In their study, presented at a recent sleep conference, researchers from the Sleep Research Laboratory at the University Health Network in Toronto, found the disorder was more common than previously thought.

In the study, which has not been published, researchers interviewed 832 patients who they suspected of suffering from some sort of sleep disorder.

The 428 men and 404 women, who had also been referred to the clinic, also completed questionnaires about their symptoms, fatigue, mood and behaviour during sleep.

The study, presented last week at the annual Associated Professional Sleep Societies conference, in San Antonio, Texas, found that more than one in 10 male and four per cent of female interviewees admitted they had engaged in "sleep sex”.

Dr Sharon Chung, a scientist from the UHN, said people who suffered from it generally had no recollection of engaging in such activity.

"We were surprised at how common it was. We thought we'd get just a handful of people, yet it was almost one in 12 (people),” said Dr Chung, who led the study.

"There have been no previous studies of how frequently sexsomnia occurs.”

"While our finding of eight per cent of people reporting sexsomnia seems really a high number, it should be stressed that we only studied patients referred to a sleep clinic.”

She added: "Is it a problem? As long as you don't get into legal problems and as long as your partner doesn't mind, it's not a problem.

"Although it can leave you tired the next day."

She said the phenomenon was a form of parasomnia, or unwanted behaviour during sleep.

It can also occur during sleepwalking, according to the International Classification of Sleep Disorders.

Dr Chung said insomnia, fatigue and depressed moods were common symptoms of people reporting sexsomnia.

"An act of parasomnia can be as small as opening your eyes while fast asleep or grinding your teeth, to getting up and vacuuming, speaking, eating or having sex," Dr Chung said.

It is thought that people are who suffer from it are generally found to be in a state of semi-arousal and are generally not conscious of it.

Dr Chung found that many patients failed to consult their doctor about the condition partly due to embarrassment, their physician rarely asking about it or even that some weren’t even bothered by it.

In Britain, the disorder has been used in some court cases as a defence of a defendant’s actions. Source-Telegraph.co.uk

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Incorporate The Tantra Into Your Sex Life

We can guess what comes to mind when we say "tantric sex": Sting. Ever since the musician made a drunken comment to an interviewer about having tantric sex for hours with his wife, Trudie Styler, the specifics of the tantra have become a bit murky. But don't fret: To enjoy everything tantric sex has to offer, you don't have to purchase an Oriental rug, shave your head or even listen to The Police.

To get to the heart of what tantric sex actually means, we caught up with Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, authors of Great Sex Made Simple: Tantric Tips to Deepen Intimacy and Heighten Pleasure, who schooled us in the ways of the tantra — and how regular women (yep, that's you!) can get the most out of their sex lives using tantric techniques.

How Sting got it wrong

If you take away nothing else from this story, remember that the 5,000-year-old Eastern spiritual practice of tantric sex does not mean that you have to make love for hours. Instead, enlightenment and having a reverence for your partner that lasts beyond the length of any orgasm is at the core of the teachings, Michaels and Johnson say.

"The tantric approach has far more to do with your mental approach than with technique."

"It's funny that a comment Sting made over 20 years ago still has an enduring hold on the public's imagination," the couple says. "He's tried to explain it away or recant it in various ways. At one point, he said that he regretted making the statement and didn't really feel he could talk about the subject beyond saying that his wife, Trudy, is his church. That's much closer to what the spirit of tantric sex is all about."

"In the classical sexual ritual, the participants worship each other as embodiments of deities. We encourage people to bring an attitude of reverence into their lovemaking and to all their interactions. The tantric approach has far more to do with your mental approach than with technique. It's certainly got nothing to do with bragging about staying power."

But in tantric sex, you can feel pleasure longer...

"That said, prolonged lovemaking is part of the tradition," Michaels and Johnson say. "The tantrics of old recognized that orgasm can be a mystical experience, often the most readily accessible mystical experience of all. During orgasm, the mind goes quiet, and you may feel a sense of merger — be it with a partner or even with all that is.

For most of us, the transcendent potential in sex is something that's experienced only briefly, during the orgasm itself. If you extend arousal and focus on building it (this need not include genital intercourse), you may start to feel this sense of union well before you have an orgasm, and it is likely to last far longer than it would in more conventional lovemaking. So making it last is a means to an end, not an end in itself. If you can stay turned on for a half hour or so, you're likely to experience the altered state of consciousness we just described."

How to incorporate elements of tantric sex into your own bedroom:

1. Focus on your breathing and your (and your partner's) reaction to touch

"It's fairly common for people to check out during sex, to do things by rote and without a whole lot of reflection. Paying attention to what you're experiencing in your body, the way you are breathing and how your partner is responding are all very important," the couple says.

2.Give and receive — start with kisses

"To take this a step further, people tend to interact sexually based on a set of tacit understandings: Basically, I'll do you for a while, and then you can do me, and if we're lucky, we'll both have a good experience," Michaels and Johnson say.

"We encourage people to separate giving and receiving in a very methodical way. For example, it's great to experiment with giving and receiving kisses. Take a couple of minutes and allow your partner to kiss you and explore your mouth with his tongue. Then reverse roles. When you're kissing, see how fully you can give yourself over to the active role. When you're receiving, surrender to the experience completely."

3.Take 60 minutes and give each other a massage — but no sex yet!

"Set aside an hour or so to give and receive full body massages (culminating with genital stimulation but not intercourse). Do this on different days. As with the kissing exercise, the role of the giver is to give as fully as possible, and the role of the receiver is simply to receive. Taking this activity out of the realm of foreplay and keeping the roles clearly defined may help you discover new sources of pleasure, and may also give you new insights into the way you interact with your partner both in and out of bed."

4.Break a taboo by just talking about sex

"Many traditional tantric practices involved breaking cultural taboos, and there were many in medieval India," the couple says. "This was true both in the context of sexual ritual and more generally. In the simplest terms, the violation of these cultural norms had a liberating effect. Of course, we don't live in a society that has such clearly defined social rules, but we all have our own self-imposed limitations and our habitual ways of being, in lovemaking and more generally in life. If you can shed some of your inhibitions, you're likely to experience more pleasure. Talking frankly about sex is a big taboo for many, so for many, having frequent and explicit conversations about sex is a great first step."

5.Explore a personal sexual taboo together

"If you want to get a little bolder, you can identify a couple of personal taboos (you can also do this as a couple by identifying shared taboos), and then decide on one that you might be interested in breaking," Michaels and Johnson say. "Don't pick anything huge at first; it might just mean making love with the lights on or experimenting with light bondage, sensory deprivation or role-play. The purpose is to become more flexible and aware and to be less limited by preconceived ideas about yourself. Sometimes we deprive ourselves of a lot of pleasure by thinking, 'I'm not the kind of person who would enjoy that. Source- Sheknows.com Learn more »

So often it's the pettiest problems that tear couples apart. How small irritants become big issues—and what to do about them.

Without doubt, there are big problems that afflict relationships; infidelity, abuse, and addiction are not perishing from the earth. A highly sexualized society delivers an alluring drumbeat of distractions. But it may be the petty problems that subvert love most surreptitiously. The dirty socks on the floor. The way our partner chews so loudly. Like the relentless drip of a leaky faucet, they erode the goodwill that underlies all relationships. Before you know it, you feel unloved, unheard, and underappreciated, if not criticized and controlled. Intimacy becomes a pale memory.

Yet irritations are inevitable in relationships. It's just not possible to find another human being whose every quirk, habit, and preference aligns perfectly with yours. The fundamental challenge in a relationship, contends New York psychiatrist John Jacobs, is "figuring out how to negotiate and live with your partner's irritants in a way that doesn't alienate them and keeps the two of you connected." When marriages don't work, he adds, often the partners are fighting not over big issues but over petty differences in style.

We each have differing values and ways of looking at the world, and we want different things from each other. Such differences derive from our genetically influenced temperaments, our belief systems, and experiences growing up in our family of origin, explains Diane Sollee, family therapist and founder of SmartMarriages. "We think, 'My father knew how to put the toilet seat down, so why can't you?' Or 'My father never put the toilet seat down, so I'm not going to, either.'" Whatever the source, such patterns are deeply ingrained, difficult to dislodge.

Sometimes a sock on the floor is just a sock on the floor. But especially among longtime couples, little irritations may code for deeper problems. It's as if ice cubes become an iceberg, says family therapist John Van Epp. Think of ice cubes as free-floating irritants —bothersome but meaningless: You hate the way your partner puts his feet on the furniture or exaggerates. Such behaviors might drive you up the wall, but they're harmless.

But small problems coalesce into a vast, submerged force when they take on a different meaning in your mind—when you add them up as evidence of a character flaw or moral defect. You're annoyed by the fact that your significant other hates sharing food from her plate. And that she hates planning in advance. And that when you try to share important news, she gets excited and cuts you off to share something of her own. When you consider them together, a picture emerges of your partner as selfish and self-absorbed, always putting her own needs first.

"You don't really live with the partner in your home. You live with the partner in your head," explains Van Epp. Gradually, you begin looking for evidence that your partner is self-absorbed—and of course you find it. Your perceptions shift over time: The idealized partner you started out with becomes, well, less ideal.

But if you want to stay in a relationship, something needs to change. In all likelihood, it's you.

Every annoyance in a relationship is really a two-way street. Partners focus on what they're getting, not on what they're giving. But no matter how frustrating a partner's behavior, your interpretation is the greater part of it. What matters is the meaning you attach to it.

The ability to eliminate relationship irritants lies within each of us. They may sabotage good relationships or not. It all depends on how you interpret the problem.

1: "It's Deliberate"

Diane Sollee recalls growing up with a father who used to snore so loudly she could hear him mid-block. "When I asked my mom how she could stand it, she said, 'When I hear his snoring, I know he's home safe, alive and well.'"

"It's the reaction of the host, not the strength of the pathogen," says rabbi and marriage educator Edwin Friedman. Snoring isn't the problem; it's the meaning you give it. We take every irritant personally. We treat every action, deliberate or accidental, conscious or subconscious, as a personal slight—a sign the other doesn't care about us or isn't prioritizing us. When we don't get what we want, we interpret it as, "You don't love me enough." We think, "If you really cared about me, you'd stop driving me crazy with all your irritating habits."

Unfortunately, much behavior is mindless; we do many things without thinking. "It would be ideal to focus on the other person's reaction all the time," says psychologist Michael Cunningham of the University of Louisville. "But the simple fact is that people engage in automatic behaviors that are habitual or self-focused without taking the other person into account."

Cunningham studied relationship annoyances in 160 couples and found that people suppress their irritating behaviors early in the dating process but allow them to emerge once they're in a committed relationship. "People pay attention to what they have to pay attention to," he observes. "When you're dating, you're hypervigilant. Once there's a commitment, you feel entitled to relax."

Cunningham sees the resulting annoyances as "social allergens." As with physical allergens, the first exposure produces a small negative reaction, but each subsequent contact increases sensitivity. That, he says, is why those in long-standing relationships can explode over what seem like tiny infractions. The first wet towel on the bathroom floor is mildly irritating; the hundredth can unleash a hypersensitive reaction.

If your partner has a habit that he or she is not aware of but that drives you up a wall—keeping the bathroom door open, leaving bread crumbs in the butter dish, walking around in underwear—bring it up in a loving way. Maybe it simply never occurred to your partner that it bothers you.

Then there are the behaviors you've talked about ad nauseam but persist. If it seems like your partner just can't change this aspect of himself, it's time to take stock. Try reminding yourself what you have—and what you stand to lose. John Buri, a psychologist at the University of St. Thomas in Minneapolis, cites a colleague whose wife had a shrill, grating laugh. "He was always afraid she'd let loose with her ridiculous laugh, which was like fingernails on a blackboard for him," recalls Buri. Though the couple had a great deal in common, their connection slowly eroded because of this quirk. After 15 years of marriage, however, the wife developed cancer and died. "Now he yearns to hear that laugh just one more time," says Buri.

2: Messiness

In virtually every relationship, one partner is messier than the other. Eighty percent of couples living together say differences over mess and disorganization cause tension in their relationship, report Columbia University management professor Eric Abrahamson and Massachusetts journalist David H. Freedman, authors of A Perfect Mess.

"My boyfriend throws his dirty socks on the floor when he gets into bed," says Victoria, a legal recruiter in New York. "Once a man is living with a woman, he doesn't really see the need to clean up after himself. He assumes I'll just pick them up in the morning. It's disrespectful."

"He will never clean the way you want him to," says family therapist Cloe Madanes of La Jolla, California. "I cannot tell you how many couples are going to divorce over this."

If your partner can't seem to change sloppy ways, reframe the issue in your own mind. Instead of focusing on how inadequately he cleans, remind yourself how much you appreciate his contribution to household chores. Changing your perspective can not only resolve the irritating issue, it can mend the dynamic of the whole relationship.

3: Feeling Unloved

Motivational guru Tony Robbins, developer of the Ultimate Relationship program with therapist Madanes, grew up in a family in which everyone was encouraged to say whatever they felt whenever they felt it. "Our approach was, you can say it with all the intensity you want and we're going to resolve it right there," says Robbins. "If you got up and left the room or said, 'Screw it, I'm done, I'm not putting up with this,' my mom's rule for that was, 'This relationship is over.'" Growing up, Robbins absorbed those rules unconsciously.

Then he fell in love with a woman whose father never raised his voice, a man who left a room whenever he felt upset. "My rule was you stay and work it out; hers was you don't raise your voice."

The culture clash led to heartache. When Robbins got excited and raised his voice, his girlfriend felt hurt. She'd leave the room to avoid conflict, which to Robbins meant she didn't care about him. Both felt unloved. So they made a pact: He wouldn't raise his voice, and she wouldn't leave the room. It worked perfectly—until the day they were both stressed out. Robbins raised his voice, and she walked out of the room.

"You promised you wouldn't leave!" said Robbins.

"You said you weren't going to yell!" said his girlfriend, who stormed off. Furious, Robbins stalked after her. All of a sudden she jumped out from behind a door and said, "Boo!"

They both laughed so hard they forgot their fight. Her playfulness jarred him out of his negative state and reminded them how important they were to each other. She'd performed what Madanes calls a "pattern interrupt," shifting the frame of interaction so drastically that the hurtful behavior halts instantly.

Another way to stop a pattern of yelling is to offer constant love. "A yell is a cry for help," contends Robbins. "What someone is really saying is, 'I have no way to meet my needs, I'm freaked out, I'm out of control.' Getting into a warm, loving state no matter how crazy the other person is, being completely present—focused, attentive, connected—breaks such patterns."

When a partner is attacking you or making you feel unloved, a pattern interrupt is needed to shift the tenor of the interaction so completely that the viciousness vanishes. Instead of responding defensively by yelling back, recognize that no matter how badly your feelings are hurt, your partner is unable to support you at that moment and doesn't mean what he or she is saying. Soothe yourself and give your partner the calm needed. "Say, 'You can yell, you can scream, you can do whatever you want, but I love you and you can't get rid of me,'" advises Robbins. "We need that connection, that praise, the understanding; we need to have somebody who is going to be there and not run. That's how you break somebody's pattern."

4: Feeling Unappreciated

An attitude of goodwill is essential to all relationships; it makes us eager to do things to please our partners, especially if our efforts are acknowledged and appreciated. But if we feel our efforts are not being noticed—or, worse, that our partner notices only what we're not doing—we lose interest in performing those generous acts that further the relationship. We get irritable instead, and at the very least feel taken for granted.

"It's up to each of us to communicate what it takes to make us feel appreciated," says Sollee. "You can't assume your partner knows what to do."

You might also try breaking your partner out of his or her daze by turning the situation into a game, as Madanes does when her partner fails to appreciate her efforts in the kitchen. "I refuse to have my feelings hurt that easily by anybody," says Madanes. So she has a dialogue with herself. "I'll say, 'Cloe, that was wonderful!' 'Thank you, it was nothing.' 'No, this really tastes good, thank you.'" Doing this in front of your partner may be a big enough hint to get him or her to chime in. Even if it doesn't, at least you're taking control of your own emotions and hauling yourself out of a reactive state. There's little room for feeling like a helpless victim of a partner's obtuseness; you've gained control over the problem.

But don't break out the champagne just yet; you have your own pattern to fix. We notice things that confirm our biases and ignore what doesn't, which means you're probably focusing on what your partner isn't giving you. And you'll find ample evidence of ingratitude. But recall that your partner's behavior has no inherent meaning; it's the meaning you attach to the behavior that pains you. So when your mate asks you to take out the trash and you feel like responding, "What am I, your slave?"—remember the goodwill you deployed at the relationship's start and focus less on receiving, more on giving.

5: Feeling Controlled

A young couple decided to try living together and bought a house. One day, early in the relationship, he perched on the sofa to read the newspaper after work while she went to the sink to prepare dinner. "Hey, could you get me a glass of water?" he said.

"Get your own glass of water," she replied—and that was the end of the relationship. She saw the request as an attempt to control her. She'd grown up with a military father who was always telling people what to do, and she was not about to enter such a situation voluntarily. He was astonished by her refusal.

Feeling controlled is one of the most common—40 percent, in one study—relationship complaints. "We human beings don't like to be told what to do," says John Jacobs. The real problem may not be your partner's behavior but the way you label it. "What one person experiences as control, another might experience as love and caring," explains Madanes. "The art of relationships is turning things around even if the other is not collaborating."

To make a relationship work, it's best to attribute good intentions to your partner, says Madanes. Instead of seeing your partner as controlling, ask yourself what's motivating them. A partner who doesn't want you to go out with your friends may be scared of being abandoned. A partner who is second-guessing your decisions may be worried about you. "I never feel controlled," says Madanes. "I never think in those terms. Instead, I would think he's overprotective, or he's driven by fear."

Besides recasting your partner's behavior as well-intentioned, ask yourself what your partner needs but doesn't seem to be getting. Expressions of love? Certainty that you'll be there and not leave? Committing to satisfying your partner's needs intensely and totally will most likely transform the whole relationship.

The woman who refused her boyfriend the glass of water might better have plumbed the underlying issue and discussed her upbringing. "She could have explained that his question triggered an emotional allergy and made her resentful," suggests therapist Lori Gordon, "and it would help if he knew that."

6: Not Feeling Intimate

A couple, both young, successful lawyers, wanted a baby. But they had begun fighting in a way that made them feel hopeless about the relationship. Once home from work, she wanted to discuss their money problems; all he wanted was quiet. She'd follow him from room to room as he tried to escape conversation, ultimately planting herself in his path. Then he'd push her. By the time they sought therapy, they'd concluded they couldn't bring a child into such a violent environment.

Madanes said there was something the husband could do, but it was difficult and she wasn't sure he could do it. "I can do it," the husband insisted.

"In the future, whenever she begins to go after you and wants to discuss money—whether at home, at a party, on the street—put your hand under her blouse or her skirt and fondle her."

"You're not going to do that!" said the woman. "Oh yes I am!" said the man.

Not only did the tactic successfully interrupt the pattern of angry confrontation, it transformed it into a playful and warm dynamic. Within a month, she was pregnant.

Like all relationship irritants, lack of intimacy is a two-way street. If you're meeting all your partner's needs and filling him or her up with love daily, you'll both feel warm and close. "I hear so many men say, 'My wife suddenly left me, and I can't understand why, I gave her everything,'" says Madanes. "I say, 'You gave her everything except what she needed!'"

7: Flirting

Feeling a lack of closeness often manifests itself in flirting with others. The flirting may be innocent in that it doesn't lead anywhere, but it can be hurtful and humiliating to a partner. "Flirting is a call!" says Robbins. "It says, 'Please notice me!' A partner who flirts is invariably searching for playfulness, attention, and fulfillment."

If your significant other is flirting with others, says Madanes, look beyond your own hurt feelings and ask yourself what your partner is looking for. And then ask yourself, "What am I doing to provoke this? What does my partner need?" For some, it may be having chores done unbidden, such as taking out the trash; for others it may be quality time; for still others it's being prioritized. All may be paths to passion.

8: Personality Conflict

Annoyance arises from difference. For every person complaining that a partner is a certain way, the partner may be complaining about the opposite. You may feel your spouse is too social, but he may see you as a hermit. Much irritation can be avoided just by understanding the differences between you and your partner—and accepting that it's OK, even inevitable, to be different.

Almost invariably, says Gordon, we make the mistake of assuming that our partner has the same needs we do. Or we regard needs different from ours as less valid, less worthy of being fulfilled. Even the most well-intentioned among us has a tendency to give our partners what we want, not what they want.

You're an introvert; you restore your energy in private. Your partner is an extrovert. After one hour at a party, you want to leave; she's just getting going. "This sort of difference is the seed of countless arguments," says Gordon.

To help couples understand how irritations arise from personality differences, Gordon gives them personality tests. For many, seeing hard evidence that a partner has a fundamentally different personality helps them stop resisting the differences and become more willing to accommodate them.

When you want to leave early, it's not because you don't care about your partner, explains Gordon. When your partner wants to stay, it's not for lack of caring about you. You could resolve the difference by agreeing beforehand to go home separately—you early, her later. Both of you have to accept the difference and not hold grudges about it.

9: Lack of Fairness

One of the toughest aspects of a relationship is negotiating the competing interests that inevitably arise. Who does the household chores? How do you split holiday time with two sets of parents? Who decides where you go on vacation?

Such issues often manifest themselves in complaints about lack of fairness. One partner feels the other isn't holding up the other end of the bargain. But as with all irritants, it's a matter of perspective.

One irony is that couples that try to slice all responsibilities down the middle wind up the least happy. Research indicates that's because in trying to be scrupulously fair, they spend all their time measuring, comparing, and arguing over where the dividing line falls.

It's more important for each partner to feel like they're giving and getting roughly equally, albeit in different domains. Dividing responsibility by preference and ability eliminates competition and opportunities for measuring your partner's performance against your own. Madanes suggests that both partners agree on which realms each will be in charge of, allocating responsibility for the car, taxes, social relationships, and so on.

Far better, says Jacobs, is to adopt a quid pro quo system. Rather than seek a middle position that offends neither but pleases neither, agree to do it your way sometimes and their way other times. This time, your partner chooses the movie, but you pick next time. You both have to surrender to the plan: When you're at your partner's movie, you try to enjoy it—and not complain or ruin it for your partner.

10: Criticism

All relationship irritants can lead partners to criticize each other. But criticism is a dangerous irritant in itself. "If you want to kill a relationship outright, have an affair," says Buri. "But if you want to bludgeon it to death slowly, use criticism." Criticism makes people feel attacked and unloved, and can be so damaging to a partner's sense of self that it borders on abuse. Yet most people respond to even petty annoyances with criticism.

In reacting to annoyances, says John Gottman, men are more likely to shut down and refuse to engage. But women voice their complaints in criticism. They are apt to tell a partner exactly what is wrong with him and how he needs to change. But such an approach seldom brings about the desired goal; men feel attacked, defensive, unable to listen with an open mind. Conversations that begin with criticism are likely to end in anger.

Criticism can sometimes be indirect, manifesting as sarcasm. Madanes prescribes a pattern-interrupt: Wherever the couple is, as soon as she makes a sarcastic comment, he's to lie flat on his back and say, "Kick me! Kick me! It would hurt less." "It's very effective," Madanes reports.

Relentless nagging—about money, about irritating habits, about anything—is another form of criticism that especially bothers men. Madanes similarly prescribes a pattern-interrupt. The goal isn't to shut down communication about real issues but to use playfulness to nudge destructive communication toward a more constructive mode.

Couples assume that since good communication is the linchpin of a relationship, all communication is good and more is better. That's a fallacy, insists Madanes. "With most couples, the problem isn't insufficient communication but too much communication." Many couples get caught in vicious cycles of complaining and criticizing each other, hammering the same issues over and over.

Not only is criticism flat-out destructive to a relationship, it often doesn't budge an issue. Most behaviors never change—because most relationship problems are unresolvable. Gottman calculates that 69 percent of all marital problems are immutable, arising from basic personality differences between partners.

In other words, what you can change is your perspective.

Cross Gender

When asked to rate their top relationship irritants, men and women give strikingly different answers, reports University of Louisville psychologist Michael Cunningham. Here's what grates on us most.

Men's complaints about women:

The silent treatment

Bringing up things he's done in the distant past

Being too hot or too cold

Being critical

Being stubborn and refusing to give in

Women's complaints about men:

Forgetting important dates, like birthdays or anniversaries

Not working hard at his job

Noisily burping or passing gas

Staring at other women

Being stubborn and refusing to give

Source-Psychologytoday.com Learn more »

These seven relationship milestones will help you understand if he is all yours or wants to be.

Where is your relationship heading? You share a great chemistry with your boyfriend and are dating for a long time. Yet, do you find it difficult to pin down exactly what your guy is getting at? Is he interested in taking the relationship to the next level? Check out these 'firsts' which act as milestones in your relationship.

1. He introduces you as his girlfriend

If you have been going around for some time and he, one day, just introduces you very comfortably to his friends saying, "Meet my girlfriend," it's a milestone. It means he has accepted you as an integral part of his life. Malini Shah, counselor and psychologist, explains, "Men normally do not want to give instant commitment so when he introduces you as 'his girlfriend' means he is comfortable about his friends knowing your importance in his life. They consider their friends' opinion important. This shows a sense of acceptance for you and a commitment to let the relationship move ahead."

2. You have a big fight... and make up

Familiarity leads to fights and all couples have fights — nasty ones with abuses and allegations. There is something to be learnt about your relationship after the fight. When a couple makes up after a fight, it shows that the partners want to resolve issues and continue. Clinical psychologist Saloni Sawnani says, "What makes these relationships strong for a lifetime is that no matter how major the argument there is always resolution and compromise. When the same happens in your relationship a sense of permanency sets in. Then you can be quite certain it is for keeps."

3. You show your disapproval for something

You hate cricket but pretend to follow it just for your boyfriend. If this has been going on for months, and one fine day you lose it and scream, "I just hate this game!" Be ready for the guy to scream back that he doesn't like your chicken biryani (though he loved it last week). Consider this a turning point. Shah explains, "The first phase of the relationship is rosy. The real test is when you start speaking up frankly and that is the phase of acceptance. In this phase, you want the other person to accept you as well as be your own self in different situations. The Reiss Wheel Theory of Love states that the second phase is when the worst in people shows up. Things such as their limitations and how the other person takes it calls whether you want to continue or give up."

4. You attend a wedding together

If a guy agrees to accompany you to a friend's wedding, he is showing another 'first'. Watching your friend taking her wedding vows brings you closer as a couple as it sets the man thinking. Shah says, "Attending social functions together signifies making a relationship public. It also builds dreams of staying together and how you want to go about it. Attending any serious function together means the relationship is actually moving from being carefree to committed."

5. You realise he is very important

As a couple, you may be with each other for a year or three years and when you look back, your best memories are of you both together. The realisation that you have had some of the best times together is a great one. Sawnani says, "It's a very strange and nice feeling when you realise that even though the quantum of time spent with someone maybe lesser than the time spent with family or others, the contentment is a lot more. We all know that sometimes an hour feels like a minute and sometimes like a whole day... It is when the togetherness moments start becoming important that you take the relationship to the next level." 6 You visit his house, meet the family When the guy invites you over to his place, it's a huge milestone. He could also agree to come to your place to meet your family. Inviting you over means he wants to let you into his world and meet his folks. Shah explains, "Meeting your family shows he is serious about you. When he invites you over, he wants his family to see you and expects you to bond with his family. He is making you aware of his home life, traditions, culture, family environment and habits. In short, he is giving you a microscopic view of his own life, his beliefs of family structures and wants to know what you feel about it."

7. You face tragedy together

Being together means facing situations together, and this could include a tragedy. Death, financial difficulties, job issues, problems with family are the things a couple face. When the guy just wants to be with you in a difficult time, he is ready to commit. Shah says, "In a relationship, there is a need for emotional security and bonding. This can be shown by either partner by being there — just standing with them or holding hands. This stage conveys a deeper level of relating to each other and also the security someone is there with them. It shows that the relationship has reached an emotional maturity by handling the strong emotions of each other in a balanced healthy way. This cements the relationship." Source-Times Of India Learn more »

Have you ever been in love? We all have, at least once. The attachment bond is the term for your first interactive love relationship—the one you had with your primary caregiver as an infant, usually your mother. This mother-child attachment bond shapes an infant's brain, profoundly influencing your self-esteem, your expectations of others, and your ability to attract and maintain successful adult relationships. By learning about attachment, you can build healthier, attuned relationships, and communicate more effectively.

You were born preprogrammed to bond with one very significant person—your primary caregiver, probably your mother. Like all infants, you were a bundle of emotions—intensely experiencing fear, anger, sadness, and joy. The emotional attachment that grew between you and your caregiver was the first interactive relationship of your life, and it depended upon nonverbal communication. The bonding you experienced determined how you would relate to other people throughout your life, because it established the foundation for all verbal and nonverbal communication in your future relationships.

Individuals who experience confusing, frightening, or broken emotional communications during their infancy often grow into adults who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others. This limits their ability to build or maintain successful relationships. Attachment—the relationship between infants and their primary caregivers—is responsible for:

Shaping the success or failure of future intimate relationships

The ability to maintain emotional balance

The ability to enjoy being ourselves and to find satisfaction in being with others

The ability to rebound from disappointment, discouragement, and misfortune

Scientific study of the brain—and the role attachment plays in shaping it—has given us a new basis for understanding why vast numbers of people have great difficulty communicating with the most important individuals in their work and love lives. Once, we could only use guesswork to try and determine why important relationships never evolved, developed chronic problems, or fell apart. Now, thanks to new insights into brain development, we can understand what it takes to help build and nurture productive and meaningful relationships at home and at work.

What is the attachment bond?

Learn about Secure Infant Attachment

The mother–child bond is the primary force in infant development, according to the attachment bond theory pioneered by English psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth. The theory has gained strength through worldwide scientific studies and the use of brain imaging technology.

The attachment bond theory states that the relationship between infants and primary caretakers is responsible for:

Shaping all of our future relationships

Strengthening or damaging our abilities to focus, be conscious of our feelings, and calm ourselves

The ability to bounce back from misfortune

Research reveals the infant/adult interactions that result in a successful, secure attachment, are those where both mother and infant can sense the other’s feelings and emotions. In other words, an infant feels safe and understood when the mother responds to their cries and accurately interprets their changing needs. Unsuccessful or insecure attachment occurs when there is a failure in this communication of feelings.

Researchers found that successful adult relationships depend on the ability to:

Manage stress

Stay “tuned in” with emotions

Use communicative body language

Be playful in a mutually engaging manner

Be readily forgiving, relinquishing grudges

The same research also found that an insecure attachment may be caused by abuse, but it is just as likely to be caused by isolation or loneliness.

These discoveries offer a new glimpse into successful love relationships, providing the keys to identifying and repairing a love relationship that is on the rocks.

The attachment bond shapes an infant’s brain

For better or worse, the infant brain is profoundly influenced by the attachment bond—a baby’s first love relationship. When the primary caretaker can manage personal stress, calm the infant, communicate through emotion, share joy, and forgive easily, the young child’s nervous system becomes “securely attached.” The strong foundation of a secure attachment bond enables the child to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict. As an adult, he or she will be flexible, creative, hopeful, and optimistic.

Our secure attachment bond shapes our abilities to:

Feel safe

Develop meaningful connections with others

Explore our world

Deal with stress

Balance emotions

Experience comfort and security

Make sense of our lives

Create positive memories and expectations of relationships

Attachment bonds are as unique as we are. Primary caretakers don’t have to be perfect. They do not have to always be in tune with their infants’ emotions, but it helps if they are emotionally available a majority of the time.

Insecure attachment affects adult relationships

Insecurity can be a significant problem in our lives, and it takes root when an infant’s attachment bond fails to provide the child with sufficient structure, recognition, understanding, safety, and mutual accord. These insecurities may lead us to:

Tune out and turn off—If our parent is unavailable and self-absorbed, we may—as children—get lost in our own inner world, avoiding any close, emotional connections. As adults, we may become physically and emotionally distant in relationships.

Remain insecure—If we have a parent who is inconsistent or intrusive, it’s likely we will become anxious and fearful, never knowing what to expect. As adults, we may be available one moment and rejecting the next.

Become disorganized, aggressive and angry—When our early needs for emotional closeness go unfulfilled, or when a parent's behavior is a source of disorientation or terror, problems are sure to follow. As adults, we may not love easily and may be insensitive to the needs of our partner.

Develop slowly—Such delays manifest themselves as deficits and result in subsequent physical and mental health problems, and social and learning disabilities.

Major causes of insecure attachments include:

Physical neglect — poor nutrition, insufficient exercise, and neglect of medical issues

Emotional neglect or emotional abuse — little attention paid to child, little or no effort to understand child’s feelings; verbal abuse

Physical or sexual abuse — physical injury or violation

Separation from primary caregiver — due to illness, death, divorce, adoption

Inconsistency in primary caregiver — succession of nannies or staff at daycare centers

Frequent moves or placements — constantly changing environment; for example: children who spend their early years in orphanages or who move from foster home to foster home

Traumatic experiences — serious illnesses or accidents

Maternal depression — withdrawal from maternal role due to isolation, lack of social support, hormonal problems

Maternal addiction to alcohol or other drugs — maternal responsiveness reduced by mind-altering substances

Young or inexperienced mother — lacks parenting skills

The lessons of attachment help us heal adult relationships

The powerful, life-altering lessons we learn from our attachment bond—our first love relationship—continue to teach us as adults. The gut-level knowledge we gained then guides us in improving our adult relationships and making them secure.

Lesson No. 1—adult relationships depend for their success on nonverbal forms of communication. Newborn infants cannot talk, reason or plan, yet they are equipped to make sure their needs are met. Infants don’t know what they need, they feel what they need, and communicate accordingly. When an infant communicates with a caretaker who understands and meets their physical and emotional needs, something wonderful occurs.

Relationships in which the parties are tuned in to each other’s emotions are called attuned relationships, and attuned relationships teach us that:

Nonverbal cues deeply impact our love relationships

Play helps us smooth over the rough spots in love relationships

Conflicts can build trust if we approach them without fear or a need to punish

When we can recognize knee-jerk memories, expectations, attitudes, assumptions and behaviors as problems resulting from insecure attachment bonds, we can end their influence on our adult relationships. That recognition allows us to reconstruct the healthy nonverbal communication skills that produce an attuned attachment and successful relationships. Source- Helpguide.org Learn more »

A strong, healthy relationship can be one of the best supports in your life. Good relationships improve all aspects of your life, strengthening your health, your mind, and your connections with others. However, if the relationship isn't working, it can also be a tremendous drain. Relationships are an investment. The more you put in, the more you can get back. These tips can help keep a healthy relationship strong, or repair trust and love in a relationship on the rocks.

Everyone’s relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. But there are some things that good relationships have in common. Knowing the basic principles of healthy relationships helps keep them meaningful, fulfilling and exciting in both happy times and sad:

What makes a healthy love relationship?

Staying involved with each other. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without truly relating to each other and working together. While it may seem stable on the surface, lack of involvement and communication increases distance. When you need to talk about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer be there.

Getting through conflict. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to be safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or insisting on being right.

Keeping outside relationships and interests alive. No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. Having friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social network, but brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.

Communicating. Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened. Nonverbal cues—body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm—are critical to communication.

Relationship advice tip 1: Keep physical intimacy alive

Touch is a fundamental part of human existence. Studies on infants have shown the importance of regular, loving touch and holding on brain development. These benefits do not end in childhood. Life without physical contact with others is a lonely life indeed.

Keep physical intimacy aliveStudies have shown that affectionate touch actually boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hormone that influences bonding and attachment. In a committed relationship between two adult partners, physical intercourse is often a cornerstone of the relationship. However, intercourse should not be the only method of physical intimacy in a relationship. Regular, affectionate touch—holding hands, hugging, or kissing—is equally important.

Be sensitive to what your partner likes. While touch is a key part of a healthy relationship, it’s important to take some time to find out what your partner really likes. Unwanted touching or inappropriate overtures can make the other person tense up and retreat—exactly what you don’t want.

Relationship advice tip 2: Spend quality time together

You probably have fond memories of when you were first dating your loved one. Everything may have seemed new and exciting, and you may have spent hours just chatting together or coming up with new, exciting things to try. However, as time goes by, children, demanding jobs, long commutes, different hobbies and other obligations can make it hard to find time together. It’s critical for your relationship, though, to make time for yourselves. If you don’t have quality time, communication and understanding start to erode.

Simple ways to connect as a couple and rekindle love

Commit to spending quality time together on a regular basis. Even during very busy and stressful times, a few minutes of really sharing and connecting can help keep bonds strong.

Find something that you enjoy doing together, whether it is a shared hobby, dance class, daily walk, or sitting over a cup of coffee in the morning.

Try something new together. Doing new things together can be a fun way to connect and keep things interesting. It can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or going on a day trip to a place you’ve never been before.

Couples are often more fun and playful in the early stages of a relationship. However, this playful attitude can sometimes be forgotten as life challenges or old resentments start getting in the way. Keeping a sense of humor can actually help you get through tough times, reduce stress, and work through issues more easily.

Focus on having fun together

Think about playful ways to surprise your partner, like bringing flowers or a favorite movie home unexpectedly.

Learn from the “play experts” together. Playing with pets or small children can really help you reconnect with your playful side. If it’s something you do together, you also learn more about your partner and how he or she likes to have fun.

Make a habit of laughing together whenever you can. Most situations are not as bleak as they appear to be when you approach them with humor.

Learning how to play again

A little humor and playful interaction can go a long way in relieving tense situations and helping you see the brighter side. If you’re feeling a little rusty, learn more about how playful communication can improve your relationship, and for fun ways to practice this skill.

Relationship advice tip 3: Never stop communicating

Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. As long as you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing.

Learn your partner’s emotional cues

Never stop communicatingEach of us is a little different in how we best receive information. Some people might respond better to sight, sound, or touch. Your partner’s responses may be different from yours. Take some time to learn your partner’s cues, and be sure to communicate your own as well. For example, one person might find a brief massage after a stressful day a loving mode of communication—while another might just want to talk over a hot cup of tea.

So much of our communication is transmitted by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues—such as eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm—communicate much more than words. For a relationship to work well, each person has to be receptive to sending and receiving nonverbal cues. Learning to understand this “body language” can help you better understand what your partner is trying to say. Think about what you are transmitting as well, and if what you say matches what you feel. If you say “I’m fine,” but you clench your teeth and look away, then your body is clearly signaling you are not.

Question your assumptions

If you’ve known each other for a while, you may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking and what you need. However, your partner is not a mind reader. While your partner may have some idea, it is much healthier to directly express your needs to avoid any confusion. Your partner may sense something, but it might not be what you need. What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five years ago, for example, may be very different now. Getting in the habit of expressing your needs helps you weather difficult times, which otherwise may lead to increasing resentment, misunderstanding, and anger.

Use your senses to keep stress in check

If you’re not calm and focused, you won’t be able to communicate effectively. The best way to reduce stress quickly and reliably is through the senses. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

Relationship advice tip 4: Healthy relationships are built on give and take

If you expect to get what you want 100% of a time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Healthy relationships are built on compromise, and it takes work on each person’s part to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.

Recognize what’s important to your partner

Knowing what is truly important to your partner can go a long way towards building goodwill and an atmosphere of compromise. On the flip side, it’s also important for your partner to recognize your wants and for you to state them clearly. Constantly compromising your needs for others' will build resentment and anger.

Don’t make “winning” your goal

If you approach your partner with the attitude that things have to be your way or else, it will be difficult to reach a compromise. Sometimes this attitude comes from not having your needs met while you were younger, or it could be from years of accumulated resentment building up in your current relationship. It’s all right to have strong convictions about something, but your partner deserves to be heard as well. You are more likely to get your needs met if you respect what your partner needs, and compromise when you can.

Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but to keep a relationship strong, both people need to feel they’ve been heard. The goal is not to win but to resolve the conflict with respect and love.

Make sure you are fighting fair.

Don’t attack someone directly; use “I” statements to communicate how you feel.

Don’t drag old arguments into the mix.

Keep the focus on the issue at hand, and respect the other person.

Relationship advice tip 5: Expect ups and downs

It’s also important to recognize that there are ups and downs in every relationship. You won’t always be on the same page. Sometimes one partner may be struggling with an issue that stresses them, such as the death of a close family member. Other events, like job loss or severe health problems, can affect both partners and make it difficult to relate to each other. You might have different ideas of managing finances or raising children. Different people cope with stress differently, and misunderstanding can rapidly turn to frustration and anger.

Relationship advice for getting through life’s ups and downs

Don’t take out your problems on your partner. Life stresses can make us short tempered. If you are coping with a lot of stress, it might seem easier to snap at your partner. Fighting like this might initially feel like a release, but it slowly poisons your relationship. Find other ways to vent your anger and frustration.

Some problems are bigger than both of you. Trying to force a solution can cause even more problems. Every person works through problems and issues in his or her own way. Remember that you’re a team. Continuing to move forward together can get you through the rough spots.

Be open to change. Change is inevitable in life, and it will happen whether you go with it or fight it. Flexibility is essential to adapt to the change that is always taking place in any relationship, and it allows you to grow together through both the good times and the bad.

Don’t ignore problems. Whatever problems arise in a romantic relationship, it’s important to face them together as a couple. If an aspect of the relationship stops working, don’t simply ignore it, but instead address it with your partner. Things change, so respond to them together as they do.

Romantic relationships require ongoing attention

Many couples focus on their relationship only when there are specific, unavoidable problems to overcome. Once the problems have been resolved they often switch their attention back to their careers, kids, or other interests. However, romantic relationships require ongoing attention and commitment for love to flourish. As long as the health of a romantic relationship remains important to you, it is going to require your attention and effort. Source- Helpguide.org. Learn more »

Are you in a new relationship and wondering about the right time to say the L word? If you’re wondering when to say “I love you”, use these signs.

Love is a powerful word.

For some, it’s an overwhelming word that wells up happy emotions.

For others, it’s an awkward and discomfited silence.

A lot of us place a lot of importance on the word, love, especially when it comes to saying it to a new significant other.

If you’re in a new relationship or have started dating someone recently, you’d find yourself wondering about the right time to take that next step, especially if you’re already in love.

When is the right time to say it?

When you feel it, say it. It’s that simple really.

But as simple as it may seem, there are a few things you should remember to make sure your loving words have the impact you desire.

Firstly, before you say ‘I love you’, you need to have a vague idea about your date’s feelings towards you.

Saying ‘I love you’ is like a binding contract, even if just one person says it to the other. And once you’ve said it, there’s no turning back.

Your date has to accept your proposal at some point of time or the whole things gets called off.

But you don’t have to be scared though. Love is a leap of faith, and there’s no point in playing safe in the world of dating and love.

Saying it too early will lose the value

If you think you love someone, that’s a great sign. It’s not too easy to find prospective lovers with whom we can fall deeply in love. But even if you think you’re already truly, madly and deeply in love, wait a while before expressing your lovey emotions.

If you say it too early into a relationship, you may make the whole thing feel trivial, like you’re used to saying ‘I love you’ to anyone you date. Take your time, build the romance and say it at the right moment.

Saying I love you for the first time

Here are 10 tips you need to keep in mind before saying ‘I love you’ for the first time. It’ll make the whole loving revelation much more smoother and meaningful.

1 Let your date know. Your date should know your intentions much before you actually reveal them. Let your date know just how serious you are about the relationship. When you get some time to speak with each other, talk about how special you feel when they’re around and how romantic and meaningful your life has become since they’ve stepped into it.

If you’re dating someone who’s only looking for a fling thing, they’ll know it’s time to back off.

2 Be nice. Let your romantic gestures reveal your intentions. Casual daters don’t go out of their way to do something nice for each other. If you truly love someone and are only waiting for the opportune moment, start to treat your date like you would treat your lover. Your date will instinctively know where the relationship is heading.

3 Test your compatibility. Can you visualize your date in your arms five years from now? Do you really love this person you’re dating, or is it just an infatuation that’s clouding your mind? Love isn’t a trivial thing. Before you say ‘I love you’, you need to be sure that you would want this person in your life as something more than just a weekend date.

4 Who says it? It’s usually a man’s job to profess his love and control the direction of the relationship. So all you men out there, man up and make a move, will ya?

See how easy it is to make a guy feel important? Just say the wheels of the relationship is in his hands and he’ll feel flattered. But as much as the man holds the wheel, the woman is the navigator who plans the directions.

It doesn’t matter who says it first. But generally, women play with their cards closer to the chest as evolution has trained them to play hard to get. After all, women have one egg a month to share with a man. Men have billions of sperms in every casual shoot. Who do you think needs to protect their resources here?

5 Go out on at least five dates. You think five dates are too soon? Well, it is early, but completely acceptable. The ideal time to say ‘I love you’ would be a couple of months. Wait for two months if you can hold your emotions in and try to figure the direction of the relationship. If you still love every moment you spend with your date, perhaps it’s time to take the plunge.

6 Don’t wait too long. Listen to your gut. Wait too long, and you may even lose the relationship. Sometimes, your date may get tired of waiting, especially if the girl’s waiting for the guy to say the three magical words! It’s always better to express your love earlier than later.

7 The right way to say I love you for the first time. There are many ways to say ‘I love you’ for the first time. You can create a special memory, or you can say it in the middle of a conversation. But for the best ways to say I love you, read the whole list of ideas and tips in ways to tell a special someone that you’re in love with them.

8 Don’t expect a response immediately. After you’ve used the tips in #7 to say ‘I love you’ in a manner you like, don’t push your luck. At times, your date may just not be ready to say anything back or perhaps, they just need more time to say it back to you. You’ve poured your heart out. Enjoy the moment when you’ve revealed your thoughts and sit back. The response will come when it has to.

9 Don’t apologize. Most people go wrong here. If you confess your love for someone, and they don’t respond back with anything, don’t apologize. Apologizing after asking someone out just to cover up the awkwardness will only make things feel worse.

You’re saying what’s on your mind. Why should you apologize for that? If your date isn’t ready to hear that, they probably have their own issues to deal with anyway.

10 Don’t respond on their behalf. Awkward silences are fine here. You’ve made a big revelation. You’ve just told your date that you love them. And that means you wish to become an exclusive couple, which means you may get married some day and have babies together. You see, there are a lot of things your date has to think of the minute you say ‘I love you’.

Give enough time for your date to think, and don’t go mouthing something just to cut the silence. Don’t say things like “I know it’s too early…”, “I should never have said that… what was I thinking?” or “Don’t worry about it, I just said what was on my mind, you don’t have to say anything back to me”.

If you answer on your date’s behalf, your date may just smile at you awkwardly and talk about something else. You’ve just helped your date squirm out without giving you an answer. Unless you intend to keep proposing your love every weekend, avoid answering on their behalf.

Confessing your love for the first time can be tricky, but not if you use these 10 tips on when to say I love you. Keep these tips in mind, and you’ll be able to get the message across and say ‘I love you’ in the perfect manner, at the perfect time. Source-Lovepanky.com Learn more »